Hurt People

They say that hurt people HURT people. That saying is true. Every day an unhealed person hurts another person. Let me give you an example.

I had a very close friend named Joel. When I started my life over, he was there for me. We went out to clubs and bars together. We supported each other at our jobs. I was there for him when his mom died. He was there for me when I was going through my divorce. We encouraged each other to be confident and try new things. We helped each other when we needed help.

Then one day, Joel ghosted me. He stopped responding to text messages and phone calls out of the blue. There was no warning. One day we were friends and the next we weren't. I never received any explanation.

This was a very painful experience. Why would someone do that? It made me question everything. Were we ever really friends? Did I do something wrong? Was there something wrong with me?

As time passed, I began to realize that what had happened was more about Joel than it was about me. In my heart, I knew that Joel and I were not meant to be long term friends. Joel was a gay man and we only ever went to gay clubs. The bars we went to were in many cases gay bars. I am not gay, so it wasn't really my scene.

I also didn't want to drink alcohol anymore. I had long since been done with it. Once I healed, I didn't really want to be numb anymore. I became more conscious of how alcohol affected me. I would be dehydrated for days, my sleep cycles would be affected, and I would often eat unhealthy food after a night out.

Joel had a lot of anxiety. It was something I couldn't identify with anymore. I had left my anxiety behind. One day, I realized that it was the anxiety that had led Joel to cut me off without explanation.

We had grown apart, we were walking different paths. I had faced my demons and that had put me on a different trajectory. Joel was not quite ready to face his and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. We cannot heal until we are fully ready to face our demons.

The problem was that Joel was afraid to tell me that he didn't want to be my friend anymore. He was afraid of the potential conflict he had created between us. About 6 months later, he texted me and said he missed me.

We went back and forth for a few days, but then he cut me off again, saying that being friends always led to conflict. But we had never fought about anything. He was afraid that I would be mad at him for not wanting to be my friend.

By that time, I didn't really want to be his friend either. I had grown used to being sober. I didn't want to go out for drinks anymore. I had shifted my focus and I was getting things accomplished that I hadn't had time for before.

About a year later, I was applying for a really great job. The interview process went well and all I needed were references. The company required that I provide 2 references that had been my immediate supervisors from my two most recent previous jobs. In one of those jobs, Joel had been my supervisor. I had no choice but to put him down as a reference.

I sent him a message to explain, stating that this new job would turn everything around for me. It was more money, a better title, and I was super qualified. I said that he did not have to respond to me, but if he could just fill out the survey link they'd sent him, I would be so grateful.

In the end, he ignored me and the reference request. I didn't get the job because I couldn't get one of the required references to respond. The reality sunk in. My best friend had become so indifferent that he no longer cared whether I advanced in my career or not. This hurt more than losing my friend.

I grieved for my lost friend and inevitably moved past it. If we were to meet on the street today, we would pass each other as strangers. It was a painful ending. I loved my friend Joel. We went through so many things together. We encouraged each other to be our best selves. But now that was gone.

About a month ago, I came across a random meme that said something to the effect of "Ghosting your friend because you are overwhelmed does not make you a bad friend, you're just protecting yourself." I wholeheartedly disagree with that statement.

Cutting someone off without explanation or discernible reason is absolutely being a bad friend. You can't let yourself off the hook because you have anxiety or any of the other labels we attach to ourselves. Dropping someone you love and who loves you like a hot potato is nothing short of painful.

When you hide behind your demons, you inevitably hurt someone else. You may tell yourself that you don't want to hurt them and that is why you don't want to talk to them anymore, but that isn't really true, is it? You were just to afraid to face them and risk being hurt yourself. You retained the power and denied them closure.

I know that when I was a hot mess of anxiety, I hurt people too. Anxiety and depression are such self-centered conditions. We become so obsessed with ourselves and how we feel that we have a tendency to be unfair and unkind to others.

We don't choose to be broken. Bad things happen to all of us and many of those things leave a mark called trauma. As long as we carry our trauma, we are at risk of hurting someone else.

You could be like me. You could have a trauma inside you so big that your mind hid it from you through dissociation. You may not even know there's something wrong with you. You may not understand that there is a source of your depression or anxiety.

Please do not think that I don't understand the gravity of this. It took me 40 years to face my demons. Healing was the most difficult thing I've ever done and I nearly killed myself more than once.

The purpose of this was to point out that even though we do not intend to cause others pain, we unknowingly do so by cancelling plans at the last minute, pretending the bad things didn't happen, or ghosting someone and walking away without explanation.

In essence, we become the monster that made us. My parents were abusive to me, but they were abused themselves. Does that make what they did to me okay? Certainly not. They were the monsters that made them.

In the end, we can either pass on our trauma or our healing. We can be monsters or we can be whole. The healing is what gives us wings to rise above our monsters and reach our hands back down to pull those who want to heal up behind us. I would rather pass on my strength than my pain.